When I was a kid I appeared in my elementary school’s Christmas nativity play as Joseph. I was so excited, naturally, but the odd thing is that my family was, too. Holidays usually weren’t a good time in our house because of my dad’s alcohol problem and my mom rambling about all the men she could have married. But for some reason my family really rallied around my upcoming “star” performance, helping me learn my lines, memorize my blocking and pulling together my costume.

The big day came — it was strictly a “one night only” show — and I was so nervous as I made my way onto the stage with Mary Pat Raleigh (the little girl playing Mary) and our papier-mch camel.

I took a big breath before my first line and in that pause I heard, everyone heard, from the back of the tiny auditorium a woman shouting “If that’s her husband, no wonder she’s a virgin.”

To this day I can still see, out of my tear-filled eyes, “Marcus Welby” co-star Elena Verdugo struggling to stand up out of her folding metal chair, everyone looking at her.

“Well come on people, we were all thinking it” she said.

No one spoke.

“Oh, fuck the lot of you” she grunted and staggered out of the auditorium. I can still hear those metal gym doors slamming shut.

The funny thing is that Mary Pat ended up being a medical receptionist in real life.